I want to be more like her

I know I've said this a million times before, but my sister was the best person I've ever known. She was genuine and kind-hearted, courageous and level headed, smart and just a light to everyone around her.

I've always wanted to be more like her.

When we were little she was always braver than I. She'd climb the highest in a tree. She'd jump in the deepest end of the pool. She'd slide headfirst down the slide. She'd swing the highest in the swings. She was fearless. I was more reserved, and I wished I was more like her.

When we got older and our personalities started coming out, she was so calm and cool about everything. She jumped at the chance to do anything fun, facing fear head on and did anything that made her happy. She stood up for herself in a way that was respected by her peers. She, in my opinion, was the best all around person. The person that everyone should want to be more like. I was still more reserved. My personality was definitely not as calm and cool as hers, it was strong, too strong at times, which caused conflicts. I wanted to be more like her.

When she was sick, she was such an inspiration to see and hear her speak such wisdom despite the challenges she was facing. To see how many people stepped up to show their love and support of her was a true testament of how others see and think of her. I was so blessed to constantly hear people say such wonderful things about her and see them do such sweet things for her. I mean EVERYBODY that knew her or had heard of her said and did the nicest things. There aren't words to describe how much my admiration of her grew and still I wanted to be more like her.

The thing about it this time was that I really started trying to be more like her in the things that matter. My faith, how I react to things, how I speak to people, how I treat people, how I pray for people, how I share my heart with people, how I give to those less fortunate, how I work with others. I really started trying and changing myself. And you know what? I felt better. I felt like a better person. No where near the wonderful person Keri was, but definitely better than I had been.

When she went to Heaven, it was even more amazing to see all of the people who paid their respects, to hear the way she impacted others and the kind kind words people had to say about her. You know, I have NEVER heard one unkind word ever spoken about her. That is a true testament of the person Keri was here on Earth.

I want to be more like her.

And I have really really been continuing to try to be like her. My mantra is "What would Keri do?" "What would Keri say?" "How would Keri react?" "What would Keri think about this?"

I want to right my wrongs, learn from the mistakes of my past, be a better person, so that one day when I die people only have good things to say about me. So that if people were to talk to my mom, my dad, Cale, Reese, any of my family or any of my friends, that they would only have good things to say about me, like people do when they speak of Keri.

This past week some things happened that made me realize I still have a long way to go to be more like Keri. I still have a lot to prove that I'm not who I was, but I am a new person, a better person. My soul was crushed, absolutely crushed to the core when I realized that I haven't gotten to that point where people only see the good and speak good things about me. But it also made me realize that my heart knows I am better than I was. My heart and soul knows without a shadow of a doubt the truth about me and who I am trying to be. I am at peace because my God knows who I am and who I am trying to be and He knows the truth about every thing.

So, I'm going to keep working hard to be more like Keri because, honestly, we all should want to be more like her.

Me and Keri volunteering at Vanderbilt Children's Hospital 2007

What are your words?

As 2015 draws to a close, and a new year approaches, I've been thinking about a word or words to represent the upcoming year.

But to come up with a word or words to represent the upcoming year, I had to look back on what words I would use to sum up the past couple of years.

Here's what I came up with:
2009- excitement, anticipation....This is was the year Cale was born and I was so excited about all of the new memories that were made and becoming an aunt to the coolest boy in the word.
2010- growth, joy....all of Cale's firsts started this year and watching him grow was so fun
2011- independence....I bought my first house and learned to live on my own completely. I love it!
2012- completeness, worry.....This is the year Reese was born and we felt complete. This is also when Keri was diagnosed with breast cancer and I started to worry.
2013- courage, strength....watching Keri fight so hard gave me the courage and strength to support her the way she needed me to
2014-faith & hope....the two things that got us through the year and that we carried in our hearts until the end of Keri's journey
2015- sadness and mourning....you know why

So, reflecting on the past 7 years, it's been easy to come up with words that represented  each year because I've already lived those years.

But....but what if, instead of waiting for 2016 to end so I can figure out what my word or words would be, why not come up with the words and live them for the year? Could it guide my year?

So, here are my words for 2016....love and happiness

Love- this year, my goal is going to be to love myself as much as I love other people. I always put myself last and this year, I'm going to start putting myself first in a lot of areas. I'm going to fall in love with me, so that maybe, just maybe, someone else will fall in love with me too. People can't truly be loved if they don't love themselves right?

Happiness- I'm tired of being sad about so many things, so I'm going to be happy. I'm going to do things that make me happy, be around people who make me happy, and share things that make me happy with others. When I was watching a Hallmark movie tonight there was a line that said, "Happiness isn't a destination, it's the journey along the way." I couldn't agree more. I'm excited about the journey of 2016!

So here's to love and happiness for 2016!

What are your words?

A beautiful goodbye

My Sydni, my sweet Sydnibear, had been sick for several months. She had a tumor growing on her bottom that the vet had said was basically like breast cancer for a dog. I cried and cried that July afternoon when the vet likened my dog-ter's cancer to the same kind that took my sister. I prayed and prayed that God would take her on His time because I couldn't face another terrible, terrible 24 hours of anxious waiting and praying.

God gave me 5 more months with my Sydni from that vet visit. 5 months to reminisce, to live, to give Sydni the chance to do the things she always loved to do.

When December 9th got here, I told my mom that I was afraid that she would go soon. I just had a feeling that she knew I needed her here to get through the first year without Keri, but I could tell that things were starting to turn.

Sydni stayed with me 2 full weeks after getting through December 9th. Our day started out normally, nothing made me think it would be the last day. I had plans in Smyrna that day, and when I left I gave her a kiss bye, yelled "be good, see you in a little while."

When I got home several hours later, Daisy met me at the door (as usual). I could smell where Sydni had had an accident. I thought it was weird she didn't meet me at the door since she usually does, but I could hear her panting (as usual). So I followed the noise, and found her in the kitchen. When I saw her, I knew. My heart knew it was her time.

I called my dad. He could barely understand me, but he was so calm. He kept telling me that I had given her the best life and she had lived a great life for a dog and a long life and that's part of our lives is losing a pet. He was so sweet and calm and told me to stay with her and love on her and to just let him know.

Then I called my mom and told her. She said the same things. Sydni had lived a good life and I had been the best momma for her and to love on her.

So I did.

First I cleaned her up the best that I could. I readjusted her body to be more comfortable than the position I found her in. In doing this, I knew she couldn't feel anything from the head down. I had a kit that I'd been meaning to do with Sydni to get a paw print of her. So, I quickly set it up and got her paw print forever imprinted and added her name and the years that I had her on it.

11 1/2 years.....

The whole time I was cleaning her up, putting her in a more comfortable position, getting her paw print, I was kissing her face and nose, rubbing her head and ears and sides, telling her how much I loved her and reminiscing about our memories together. I kept laying in the floor with her, so we could look each other in the eyes.

Then I knew the time was so so close. I laid down in the floor. I kept kissing her face and nose, rubbing her head and ears and sides, telling her how much I loved her, telling her that I was right here with her and she wasn't alone. Telling her to give Keri a big hug and kiss when she saw her. I just kept saying the same thing over and over and over again.

It seemed like this was a long time, but in reality, it was just time standing still, allowing me to soak up those moments. I had oftened wondered what my last moment's with Sydni would be like. I had prayed that I would get to be with her, so she wasn't alone. Almost like a premonition, everything happened just as I had imagined it would, and I'm so thankful that I was there with her.

At 6:40, with one hand on her heart and the other hand rubbing her sweet, sweet face and kissing her nose and telling her I loved her so much, my Sydni took her last breath. It was a beautiful and terrible moment all rolled up in the biggest bowl of grief ever. My first dog that was all my own. My first baby was gone.

How can 11 1/2 years go by so fast! 1/3 of my life included her. The 1/3 of my life that was the most life changing part of my life.

The whole time everything was happening in the kitchen with Sydni, the biggest December storm of the century was happening outside. I could hear the tornado sirens going off the whole time, but it never dawned on me what it was.

The only thing I really paid attention to was the windchimes I keep in my house (gifts people gave me when Keri passed away). What's weird is the last hour of Sydni's life, the windchimes kept chiming.....even without wind blowing in the house. I think it was Keri letting us know she was with us.

The next day my dad came and pick us up. He told me he had the perfect spot picked out to bury Sydni.

Now the whole time that I have loved my Sydni, my dad has loved my Sydni too. Watching him move her to the truck was so tender. Knowing she was gone, he still treated her like she was here. So caring, so loving, so sweet.

At his house, we have a spot where we have always buried our animals that we lost: calves, chickens, ducks, kittens, Radar. I thought this would be where we laid Sydni to rest, but my dad found the perfect spot where the sun shines right on her, even deep in the woods.

I watched as my dad dug her spot out for an hour and half. Making it perfect, making it so that she would lay comfortably just as she always had when she was alive. I bawled and bawled, but my dad just kept talking about how he was so happy her last day at his place had been so fun to watch Sydni running like a puppy, swimming in the creek, chasing the other dogs like she was her old self.

Even through my tears, I realized my dad was just as sad as I was. He loved my Sydni. When the spot was finished, my dad so sweetly wrapped her up in her blanket and tenderly put her in the wheelbarrow to take her to her spot. He knew I couldn't talk. All I could do was sniffle and sniffle.

But I watched my dad carefully pick Sydni up for the last time to lay her in her spot. He made sure she was comfortable and then tucked her in with the blanket. So sweetly. He was so sweet as he covered her with rocks very softly as if he was laying feathers on top of her. When he started to cover her with dirt, it was like he was sprinkling her with glitter to make her shine again, not something dull that would never let me see her again. It was beautiful even though it was so incredibly sad.

It was beautiful to see the sun shining on her the whole time my dad respectfully, tenderly, sweetly laid her to rest talking about the same great memories I had talked with Sydni about the night before.

It was a beautiful goodbye to my dearest friend and confidant, my sweet baby girl, my Sydnibear, my Sydni.

A beautiful goodbye.....until we meet again

Thanks and Giving

As rough as I thought this time of year might be, I actually have been waking up with such thanksgiving on my heart lately. I know Keri and God are giving me some peace to help me, but as I reflect on the fastest year of my life, I am truly thankful.

I am thankful for the outpouring of love I've seen and felt from family, friends, and strangers.

I am thankful for the hugs, the time spent taking my mind off of sadness, the phone calls, texts, and dinners to just talk about anything but loss.

I am thankful for the thoughtful gifts I've been given this year: The coasters of pictures and verses, the sunflower wreath, the cross wreath that looks like one Keri had, the She is Clothed in Strength and Dignity wooden wall hang, the sisters rocks, the butterfly light for my garden and Gerbera daisy, the turtle for my yard, the calendar of pictures of Keri and me, the wind chime, the picture of me and Keri with a favorite verse, the verse cards that were meant for Keri to encourage her and now me, the sweet cards, the chewing gum, and countless others that I know I've forgotten in my fog of the past year. They all mean so much!

I am thankful for the plethora of memories that have flooded back to me this year and all of the memories I've been honored to hear from others who have a favorite.

I am thankful for the friendships that have strengthened because of our shared love of the sweetest girl ever.

I am thankful for the understanding that people have given me when I'm in a funk or just need to be cheered up.

I am thankful for the signs from above that I've witnessed this year.

I am thankful for all of the stories of people who now believe in God because of Keri.

I am thankful for the peace I feel, even though it hurts sometimes.

I am thankful for knowing at my age the importance of time and truly LIVING in the moments.

I am thankful for getting to keep Keri alive for her kids and for everyone.

I am thankful for EVERYTHING!

Now that it's the season of "giving", I still encourage everyone to choose a favorite charity, organization, or cause to give to. These are some ideas for giving this year.

• http://www.donationto.com/Alex-Pearson-Recovery-Fund - This is a child who goes to church with my aunt. Please read his story and consider helping his family out. You can also follow them on Facebook at Alex Pearson's Recovery
• Angel Tree - great to do with kids to show them what helping others out is like
•  St. Jude Children's Hospital Keri's favorite charity. You can even buy gifts that allow you to donate money to the hospital
• Triple Negative Breast Cancer Foundation - help fund research to find a cure

 BE THE GOOD! BECOME BETTER!

Be the Good, Become Better

My perspective of life and things about life has dramatically changed over the past few years, but especially these past 11 months. I can feel the change that has taken place inside me. While I grieve and mourn, I also feel the spark of a light within me slowing starting to glow brighter.  

As I said before, Keri was my Sun. She was the Sun to a lot of people. She was our LIGHT....the light that is within me, and I'm betting many others too.

This year at school has been totally different, but in a good way. I love teaching. It's all I ever wanted to do when I was little. I've enjoyed every year I've taught, but this one is just different. I realize that as much as I've always loved my kids and the kids I work with, this year has gone to a new level. I have a different understanding of each child I teach and encounter. I'm more empathetic with situations that may be affecting their ability to learn. I'm more patient with their needs. I'm more understanding of the importance of the little stories they want to share. 

I've been thinking about this the past couple of weeks and this week it finally hit me. Keri is within me. She is my spark inside. Her love for kids is within me and she is still loving students through me. She has shown me how to really SEE my kids. I wish everyone could have seen her teach, seen her love kids that weren't her own, seen her not just think about their needs educationally but also emotionally. I wish every kid in school could have had her and known how much she cared about every single one.

I was telling my mom about how I feel different, but it's a good different. What better way to honor Keri than to be more like her? If more people were more like Keri, the world would be such a better place!

The moment that really made me realize that her spark is within me and I am becoming more like her was at an assembly we had for Veterans Day. Seeing how I've become more emotional in my old age, and especially this year, I was already teary. Most students don't fully understand the importance of the day and how much it means. 

 

We were watching a slide show that featured the men and women we were honoring, when some very caring students got my attention to let me know that another one of my babies was crying. When I say crying, it was uncontrollable sobbing. I got the student to very quietly come sit beside me and I asked her why she was upset. She told me that she had lost her real father when he was in the military. I just hugged her. 

 

It was that moment, I realized why God had me there. Why God said "no" to one prayer and want earlier this year. He needed me there for that moment. I can empathize with her. I know her pain. She needed me to hug her and tell her it was ok. She needed me to let her remember the good memories she had with her dad, not just the sadness. 

 

But I needed to be able to do that, not just for her, but for me. To realize that my experience has now made me different...better...more understanding. I need to be the teacher that Cale and Reese will need to have one day. The teacher who will understand that there are days when you just really miss a person who can't come back. Days when your mind can't concentrate because something triggered a memory that is lingering. Days when you don't want to adult, or student, or kid and you just want to be hidden in a fort of blankets and pillows and hide from the world.

The ripples of me loving on that student when she needed it have been a blessing I never knew I'd get to have. I don't tell this to get accolades. I truly don't want accolades for it. She needed me and I was there for her. BUT, another positive of being Better, being more like Keri, was that I was an example to other students. What I thought was very discrete and quiet actually spoke loudly across the gym to many other students. Several students, some who I don't even teach, have said something to me about that. I got to be the Good these kids need to see so that they can become Better.

As the Christmas season approaches, I really encourage people to sit down and think about the meaning of Christmas. Think about what you can do to help someone out. Instead of spending bundles of money on gifts people may or may not need or want, consider going in together with your friends and family to donate to a family that is in desperate need of donations for medical expenses, getting an angel off an angel tree, donating to a charity that helps a cause near to your heart, doing something bigger than yourself. 

 

Some people and organizations to consider when donating are:

• http://www.donationto.com/Alex-Pearson-Recovery-Fund - This is a child who goes to church with my aunt. Please read his story and consider helping his family out. You can also follow them on Facebook at Alex Pearson's Recovery
• Angel Tree - great to do with kids to show them what helping others out is like
•  St. Jude Children's Hospital Keri's favorite charity. You can even buy gifts that allow you to donate money to the hospital
• Triple Negative Breast Cancer Foundation - help fund research to find a cure

 BE THE GOOD! BECOME BETTER!

“Go into the world and do well, but more importantly, go into the world and do good.”- Minor Myers Jr.

 

 

10

October has always been my favorite month. Keri's too. All the leaves changing, the smell of pumpkin, the harvest decorations, visiting Gatlinburg....

3 years ago October changed. Keri was diagnosed and all of a sudden all we saw was an explosion of pink, everywhere. At the time, I didn't understand how seeing all of the pink really bothered Keri. We'd been through breast cancer with Mom, and we made it a fun time dressing up and celebrating each treatment, wearing pink, living life. So to me, pink was a symbol of hope. But to Keri it was a constant reminder of the fight she was going through. I didn't understand until now. This year seeing pink is a constant reminder of what our world has lost.

This October has hit me hard. I do enjoy the leaves changing, the smell of pumpkins, the harvest decorations, but it's hard to enjoy it. Last October was when I really realized, or started to acknowledge, how sick Keri was. This time last year, we took our last family vacation to Gatlinburg, we planned our last Halloween party/hayride at my dad's house, we watched Hocus Pocus together for the last time.

It seems like when someone dies you think of all of the firsts you have to go through: holidays, birthdays, summer breaks, fall breaks, etc. For me, it's like a gigantic reflection of the lasts: the last picture we took together, the last text message we had, the last conversation we had, the last party we planned together, the last hug, last kiss, last love you infinity....

Today marks 10 months that God decided He needed her. Double digits. I was telling my mom the other day that that's a long time, but like it was just yesterday all at the same time. December 9th will never be the same, but it's the 10th that is what I'm living every day. The realization every morning when I wake up that I can't call her, hug her, talk to her, watch her raise her kids. It's like a terrible remake of the movie Groundhog's Day, where you live the same day with small differences, but it's still the same.

I started writing this and now I've completely lost my train of thought and what I was wanting to say. So I guess I'll leave you with this: enjoy every moment you have with the people you love, respect that Pinktober isn't spectacular for everyone, and watch Hocus Pocus at least once this season.

Stars, thinking, and being weird

I saw a shooting star tonight.

I've been sitting on my deck at night, sitting back and looking at the stars. Thinking....

Thinking about Keri and how I wonder if she's just on the other side of the sky looking at all of us. Thinking about how long mourning and grief last. Thinking about why I am having such a hard time praying with an open heart again. Thinking about that scene from "The Lion King" when Mufasa explains to Simba that stars are our ancestors who've gone before us and wondering how true it is. Thinking about how much I just need to talk with her, hear her voice, feel her hug, hear her laugh.

And while I was thinking about all of this, I look up and see a shooting star. A green shooting star. Green-Keri's favorite color. Maybe she really is just on the other side of the sky looking.

I've been thinking about how here we are, eight months after the worst day. I look at everyone who's living and wonder sometimes how they go on with their life like this big thing never happened. How are they not consumed with the thoughts of memories and missed memories,  the overwhelming flood of emotion that pours through the gaping hole in your heart. Seriously I think this and then wonder what is wrong with me?

I know and acknowledge that I'm not the same person I was before December 9th. I'll probably never be like I was before that day. I was so filled with hope that I never ever ever ever EVER thought for one second, even in those last months, weeks, days...hours......Ever ever ever gave up hope that things wouldn't work out how we wanted it to. But then it didn't, and as I lost my sister, I lost my hope filled heart. I went from being an idealist to a realist.

I've been thinking something is majorly wrong with me. I go through the motions of life but it's not as fun.

Then I realize, while life goes on, as it should, grief and mourning doesn't stop after a certain day or time and that's ok. It's ok to still get sad, to get emotional, to want to be alone, to want to be surrounded by people, to want to talk, to not want to talk, to feel guilty, to feel lost, to feel weird, to feel like others think I'm being weird because honestly I am, to  want to get away just to want to be back home.

So, really, please be patient with me and anyone else who is still grieving and mourning. Try to be understanding that our life has been altered in a way that can't be repaired. Don't run away from us, just give us a little space if we need it, but please be there for us. We do love you and appreciate you for it more than you know, even if we are being weird.