Beautiful Scars

Have you ever heard of kintsugi? 

According to the article Kintsugi: the art of precious scars 

Kintsugi: the art of precious scars

Kintsugi: the art of precious scars

Kintsugi: the art of precious scars

Kintsugi: the art of precious scars

"This traditional Japanese art uses a precious metal – liquid gold, liquid silver or lacquer dusted with powdered gold – to bring together the pieces of a broken pottery item and at the same time enhance the breaks. Every repaired piece is unique, because of the randomness with which ceramics shatters and the irregular patterns formed that are enhanced with the use of metals."

From the same article

From the Huffington Post article From Broken to Beautiful, "While the original form of the vase has forever been destroyed, through Kintsugi’s alchemy, the essence of its beauty not only survives, it thrives. In other words, the transformation is not just about putting the pieces of one’s broken life back together, it’s about a total reinvention of self in which our shattered pieces are alchemized into a beautiful, thriving masterpiece."

So what does this have to do with grief?

I was so close with my sister, as close as twins could be without being twins. I never in a million years EVER envisioned growing up and growing old without her. 

But God had His plan.

So on the worst, worst day of my entire life, I shattered into a million pieces. Just like the bowl above....only I felt like my pieces were as small as a grain of sand. You are FOREVER changed in a split second, whether you know it's coming or are slapped in the face unexpectedly. You really can't, and never will, go back to ever being close to the same person you were. 

You.....are.....broken......

And you deserve to be because the worst thing you could ever imagine has happened. Don't let someone make you feel like you shouldn't be broken. (Usually those are the people who don't truly know what being broken is.)

So, how do you gather up millions of pieces of grains of sand to begin to repair them like they do with kintsugi?

The thing is...you don't really know; until, one day you do.

Over the past 1,234 days (real number of days I've lived without my sister- also don't judge me for knowing the number; we all grieve in different ways), I've slowly seen my grains of sand begin to be repaired like a bowl using kintsugi. 

You don't realize it at first, but all the love, prayers, hugs, cards, gifts, texts, calls, dinners, or sitting in silence that you receive from your family, friends, coworkers, and people you haven't seen or heard from in forever slowly start to pick up the broken pieces you can't seem to find.

Then, because you become very hyper aware of others who become broken from the tragedies of life, the gold or silver liquid slowly starts piecing you together as you become an empathetic guide to those who are on the same side of brokenness as you. 

But you don't realize it just yet.

You spend 1,232 days seeing friends and family lose loved ones. You go and love on them because you know how much it meant and helped you when you first shattered. You cry because your heart is changed and you can't help that tears leak out of your eyes, like liquid gold and silver, without you realizing it. You check on them and are "there for them" because you know how much it helps them pick up those grains of sand.

In those 1,232 days, you don't realize that your pieces have been gathered, the liquid gold or silver has been placed, and you are suddenly pieced together, but this time with a beautiful scar. 

But on day 1,233, a friend experiences the same, tragic, sudden loss that you did. You send them love and prayers because you know the brokenness (you still feel broken sometimes...ok, a lot) and you want to take that brokenness away because no one should have to feel that. Except this time, they know and acknowledge that you above all know what they are truly feeling, experiencing, and living in that exact moment.....and forever. You are now connected and kindred spirits from here to eternity.

And you think about that statement.... "you above all know"

And you slowly reflect on the past 1,233 days. All the kind words people have said about how strong you are (even though you don't feel it)...how inspiring you are (even though you don't see it)....how understanding you are (even though you wish the circumstances were different for us all).

And you begin to see that people say these things because you've started to reach kintsugi, even though you never realized it. Your pieces have been gathered, the liquid gold or silver has been placed, the pieces are connecting again. You are not whole......you never can be again, but now instead of being completely broken, you are "unique" with your beautiful scar. 

A beautiful scar you wish you didn't have, but a scar you will wear forever. A beautiful scar that is filled with the great memories you have of life before your tragedy, memories of the love you received during your darkest days when you were shattered all over the place, memories that you will continue to make in your loved one's honor, and memories you haven't even made yet.

In one of the articles I read about kintsugi they quoted Rumi as saying “The wound is the place where the light enters you.” 

When I think of this quote, it reminds me of Matthew 5:16 "Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven."

Our wounds become those beautiful scars we live with the rest of our earthly lives because of the light others shine upon us during our brokenness and the light we are able to shine upon others because of the empathy we are left with from being broken. 

We become a "beautiful, thriving masterpiece", just like the art of kintsugi.

Just like God planned.

2018 Adventures & an Announcement

So I when I last wrote, I said I was going to blog more. Ooopsie! My bad!

I also announced that my word for the 2018 is ADVENTURE! I love adventure and after I announced my word for the year, I made out a list, a starter list, of adventures I want to have this year. Some big, some small, but I just want to remember to go out and focus on living life.

Of course, as always, everyone is welcome to accompany me on my adventures. Here's my list:

So all of these are pretty much adventures in the works. I've got plans here and there for some of them.

You may have also noticed #1 on my list. 

So, I've ALWAYS wanted to be a mom, in whatever capacity that meant. Adoption is BIG on my heart. Initially that is the route I've been researching for years: cost, process, what would happen with a maternity leave, etc. 

Last year when I went for my yearly lady appointment, my doctor mentioned that I may want to freeze my eggs because, ya know, I'm getting on up there in years, even though I'm only 25 (+10)! Well in my adoption research, I started researching some other things, and ways to become a mom (ya know, since I'm single). 

I prayed a lot about things and decided to try something. So, I chose a donor, had a procedure, and it didn't work. 

So, I tried a second time, and......

Drumroll......

......

2nd procedure worked! I'm going to be a MOMMY!!!!!  EEEKKK!!!!

I'm so excited! My family is excited!

I have so many things on my heart about this and I will for sure blog about it more. But I just wanted to finally share my news that my biggest dream is coming true. Everything is looking great and healthy. I can't wait for September to get here!

Let the Adventure Begin!

Letting Go for a Grand Adventure

I will do better blogging. I will do better blogging. I will do better blogging.

At least that's what I tell myself every year, and here I've gone about a year and a half since I've written anything. haha!

Ok, so really I plan on doing more blogging this year. At 35 years old, I have finally determined that writing is my creative outlet (as opposed to any other type of artistic creativity).

So way back in 2015 (sheesh that's a long time ago!) I wrote a blog about words for the new year. I had reflected on words that I felt represented my years all the way back to 2009 and chose words I wanted to guide me in 2016. Although I never wrote about it, I did focus on happiness and love in 2016.

I didn't choose words to guide me in 2017, but as 2017 began to draw to a close, I started reflecting on a word or words that I felt truly represented 2017. I went through a million words, but eventually settled on Letting Go as the words I felt best represented 2017.

2017 saw a lot of me letting go. I let go of:

• negative people from my life
• a "friendship" that never was truly a friendship
• the resentment I had for a person
• a work environment that wasn't helping me be my best me
• the pursuit of a dream job
• the security of my hometown
• anger
• sadness
• insecurities

If I keep thinking about it, I let go of a lot. But when I let go of those things, I gained so much more! I gained positivity back, I gained true friends, I found a place I LOVE to go to each day for work, I found opportunities that I've been looking for and working towards for years, I found personal and professional growth, I found a renewed purpose, I found happiness, I found myself!

So now that I gear up for 2018 (I just love even years!), what shall my word(s) be. I want to stay on this roll of momentum I have and really enjoy life. So, my word for 2018 is going to be

ADVENTURE

I can't wait to see what 2018 brings. Join me for the adventure.

Happy Birthday Keri!!!

32 years ago tonight was my last night as an only child. I never remember being an only child; probably because I was always destined to be an older sister.

 

I wasn't created to be a single child. Ask my mom, and she'll tell you that I was always excited about having a little sister. My little sister was MY living, breathing baby doll. She was MY partner in crime. She was MY playmate living way out in the boonies. She was MY very bestest friend in the whole entire world.

 

 
I wasn't made to be a single child......

And yet, tomorrow marks the 2nd birthday my sister will celebrate in Heaven. It's so incredibly hard for my brain to still try to comprehend that MY baby sister, MY best friend isn't gonna eat watermelon tomorrow, isn't going to open a present, isn't going to get sweet hugs and kisses and text messages and phone calls, isn't going to hear "Happy Birthday to You! Happy Birthday to You! Happy Birthday Dear Keri! Happy Birthday to You!"

I wasn't made to be a single child...

And I know I'm not the only child. It has NEVER felt like I'm an only child. She IS my sister and always will be my sister, even though she's not here.

But here's what it does feel like. It feels like a 1000 piece puzzle that's missing the one piece needed to complete it. It feels like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich without the peanut butter. It feels like "Frozen" without Elsa. It feels like the best book you've ever started reading, but it's missing the resolution of the book. It feels like a picture that you spent hours drawing and coloring that someone picked up and ripped in half straight down the middle. It feels like a beautiful painting that has a hole blasted straight through the middle of it.

Can y'all really not look at me and see the gigantic hole in my heart, in all of our hearts from the enormous loss we feel? Sometimes it feels like everyone should be able to see it with how big it feels.

I wasn't made to be a single child....

And I'm so incredibly thankful that I'm not and never was and never will be! Keri was the greatest gift I was ever given. Probably the greatest gift for many people. Definitely a beautiful and wonderful gift that God let walk on this earth for 30 years. I am constantly amazed at how many lives she has touched and changed because she was here. I am so incredibly moved by the love she is still shown, the admiration with which people talk about her, and the inspiration she still is for so many people.

I miss her every minute of every day. A gift that I have noticed lately is that when I look at pictures of her, they almost seem to come to life like the pictures in the the "Harry Potter" movies.  I can see a picture of her with her kids and remember her gentle voice telling them how much she loves them. I can see a picture of her smiling and hear her laugh. I can see a picture with her arm thrown over my shoulder and can feel her hug.

This is probably my most favorite picture that I ever took. It brings such peace to me when I see it because it just encompasses her beautiful soul to me. With this picture, I can hear the quiet of the river, the frogs croaking, the fish splashing, the steadiness of her breath as she contemplated life. I can feel the peace she had in this very moment, just LIVING in the moment of serenity.

So, happy birthday to the greatest person I've ever known. The person who changed my life, all of our lives. The person who showed us courage, determination, strength, dignity, compassion, and love. A person we should all aspire to be more like. My little sister, my confidante, my therapist, my favorite person, my very bestest friend.

The Senses

Recently I've been talking to a couple of different people about my feelings and I shared with them something I don't readily admit, but I'm going to.

Losing someone changes a person, especially if you were so close. Losing Keri has really changed me. Yeh, you may see me and talk to me and think I'm ok, but really I'm not. I'm pretty sure I've written something like this before, and if I haven't I've thought it, but I feel like I have multiple personalities sometimes. I have the personality that people see because I don't want to be sad. I have the one that is screaming inside every day because I'm so sad. I have the one that is confused, the one that has a big piece of duct tape on her mouth, the one that feels like a giant rain cloud follows her around, the one who wants to feel normal,  the one who doesn't really believe she's gone.

Through all of my confusion inside sometimes my senses seem to get off balance. When they do, it may bring back a memory or may cause me to do weird things to make me feel normal again.

I SEE Keri in my dreams a lot. She doesn't always talk to me, but she's there. Sometimes when I have trouble "Seeing" Keri again, I will face the sun, close my eyes and just stand there until I can see her face again like the day she left us. I can see her smiling and laughing and it's like getting a hug from her again.

I miss her smell. You know how people have a certain smell. A few months ago, I found a bottle of perfume she used to have, but she gave to me. It doesn't smell the same on me, but it takes me back to high school and college when she used to wear it. It makes me feel like she's here in a weird sense.

I have never been a big watermelon fan, but over the past year, I have continued to get an overwhelming taste in my mouth of watermelon, or Cherry Southern Snows, or Bubble Tape, or even Sundrop. Again, it brings a memory and a smile.

Sometimes I will swear I hear Keri laughing or saying sometime. Sometimes I feel like I can't hear anything but the crazy in my head. I have a video of Keri laughing at the kids a month before she went to Heaven. It's saved in about 100 places so I can't lose it. It's still on my phone too. Sometimes I will play it so I can hear her laugh. I didn't realize at the time how weak her voice and laugh were until I listened to it after she was gone, but golly I am so thankful I can still listen to it. I also have a voicemail from her from about 5 years ago when Cale first started saying Shiney. I can hear her in the background helping him say to call her back. It's too hard to hear sometimes, but is always a happy accident that makes me miss her so freaking big.

Finally, these 4 senses, bring about the sense of feeling. How lost I feel sometimes, how I sad I feel sometimes, how guilty I feel sometimes. There's no way to really truly explain how screwed up it feels. And when it finally gets to the point that is feels so crazy, you know what I do? I turn the shower on as hot as a human can possibly stand it (just like Keri used to do) and I stand under the shower until I am able to really feel again. That I can feel that I am still here, that I have a purpose other than grieving, that I have a job of sharing her legacy with her kids, that I deserve to be here and do good things. I stand there and let the water wash away the ice I have let build up, I let the water warm my body and mind back to normal.

I let the water hit my head so the only thing I can hear is my heart beat. I drown out the sounds of grief and find that I'm still here and that's ok. I taste the water running over my face and smell how clean and feel like I'm being washed anew again. After I let the hot, hot water wash away the hurt and sadness, then I can see again. I can see that it's part of life, whether we like it or not, whether we understand it or not.

I know it may be weird, but I also know it's ok.

Gosh I miss her so.

My brain hurts my heart

My brain and my heart are in a war. My brain is really confused lately. Because of this confusion, it keeps making my heart sad.

I know that Keri has been gone for one year, one month, and five days. I know that I can't call her, text her, hang out with her, talk to her, hear her voice answer me back.... I know that.

But my brain is so confused!

Around the year mark of the day we lost Keri, I started having dreams that were so incredibly ridiculous, but so real to me that I started waking up really believing that Keri was still alive. In one particular dream, we were around 10 years old at our dad's house and everything happening was so crazy and nothing that would ever really happen. In the dream, I was talking with Keri and I told her that I knew this wasn't real because she's not really here any more. And in this dream, she kept arguing with me that she was really there, that she is still here, and that she hadn't gone away.

Metaphorically, I do know that she is still here with us all, but my dream had me so convinced that she was physically still here. I laid in bed for probably 10 minutes rethinking my dream, the feelings that it caused, and seriously having to think about what the truth was.

I got up, went about my day like normal, and then by late afternoon had a list of things I was going to talk to Keri about when I called her later that evening. It wasn't until the moment I was going over the list in my head that I really stopped and went through the past year in my head. Then the bricks started falling on top of me again. When you forget, but then you remember, you start mourning and grieving all over again.

That was a good day that turned into a really bad day.

The thing is.....it hasn't stopped happening. She's sooooooo real in my heart (which I'm happy about) that my brain has started convincing itself that she's here. And then I start looking at pictures and thinking about how long it's been since I took a picture with her...and then I start thinking about how much I am carrying around inside my chest that I want to tell her from the past year...and then I start remembering the terrible, terrible night and day....and then I start remembering how much life has had to change this year....and then I'm so sad for me, and for my parents, and Daniel, but especially the kids.

The other day I realized that I hadn't thought about her being gone all day (because I had in my mind that she was still here). It was already dark out when I happened to see a picture of her on my Timehop. I was happy and devastated all at once in the same moment. Seeing her beautiful, smiling face, thinking about how we had no idea what was going to happen in the years to come, remembering that fun memory that was made....

It's crazy how that can happen to feel so many things that contradict each other all at the same time.

I'm so thankful that I feel her so much. It really does bring me comfort. It's the heartache from remembering that she really is gone that is so hard. Is this some weird kind of part of grief? I don't understand.

I'm so confused and mixed up that I don't even know how to really end this blog tonight, soooo I guess I'll say.....Hug your loved ones, call them, spend time with them, say everything you want to say to them because you never know when your brain might start confusing your heart one day when your loved ones are chilling with Keri in Heaven.

I want to be more like her

I know I've said this a million times before, but my sister was the best person I've ever known. She was genuine and kind-hearted, courageous and level headed, smart and just a light to everyone around her.

I've always wanted to be more like her.

When we were little she was always braver than I. She'd climb the highest in a tree. She'd jump in the deepest end of the pool. She'd slide headfirst down the slide. She'd swing the highest in the swings. She was fearless. I was more reserved, and I wished I was more like her.

When we got older and our personalities started coming out, she was so calm and cool about everything. She jumped at the chance to do anything fun, facing fear head on and did anything that made her happy. She stood up for herself in a way that was respected by her peers. She, in my opinion, was the best all around person. The person that everyone should want to be more like. I was still more reserved. My personality was definitely not as calm and cool as hers, it was strong, too strong at times, which caused conflicts. I wanted to be more like her.

When she was sick, she was such an inspiration to see and hear her speak such wisdom despite the challenges she was facing. To see how many people stepped up to show their love and support of her was a true testament of how others see and think of her. I was so blessed to constantly hear people say such wonderful things about her and see them do such sweet things for her. I mean EVERYBODY that knew her or had heard of her said and did the nicest things. There aren't words to describe how much my admiration of her grew and still I wanted to be more like her.

The thing about it this time was that I really started trying to be more like her in the things that matter. My faith, how I react to things, how I speak to people, how I treat people, how I pray for people, how I share my heart with people, how I give to those less fortunate, how I work with others. I really started trying and changing myself. And you know what? I felt better. I felt like a better person. No where near the wonderful person Keri was, but definitely better than I had been.

When she went to Heaven, it was even more amazing to see all of the people who paid their respects, to hear the way she impacted others and the kind kind words people had to say about her. You know, I have NEVER heard one unkind word ever spoken about her. That is a true testament of the person Keri was here on Earth.

I want to be more like her.

And I have really really been continuing to try to be like her. My mantra is "What would Keri do?" "What would Keri say?" "How would Keri react?" "What would Keri think about this?"

I want to right my wrongs, learn from the mistakes of my past, be a better person, so that one day when I die people only have good things to say about me. So that if people were to talk to my mom, my dad, Cale, Reese, any of my family or any of my friends, that they would only have good things to say about me, like people do when they speak of Keri.

This past week some things happened that made me realize I still have a long way to go to be more like Keri. I still have a lot to prove that I'm not who I was, but I am a new person, a better person. My soul was crushed, absolutely crushed to the core when I realized that I haven't gotten to that point where people only see the good and speak good things about me. But it also made me realize that my heart knows I am better than I was. My heart and soul knows without a shadow of a doubt the truth about me and who I am trying to be. I am at peace because my God knows who I am and who I am trying to be and He knows the truth about every thing.

So, I'm going to keep working hard to be more like Keri because, honestly, we all should want to be more like her.

Me and Keri volunteering at Vanderbilt Children's Hospital 2007