2020 Vision

How many times prior to the dawning of this new decade did we hear "2020 Vision"?

How many people made "Vision" their word for the year? Or Focus? They wanted to focus on getting healthy, their relationships with family and friends, getting those projects done around the house, spending more quality time with loved ones, reading more, spending more time outside......drawing closer to God and His word.

No matter how much we plan or set goals and pick a word for the year to focus on keeping our "Vision" in check, we are not in control.

But I know someone who is. And I know someone who has a Vision and a Plan for everything.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

God had his Vision for 2020 set a long time ago. This pandemic is tragic and horrifying...but there is so much beauty in this year.

God has granted us this sweet gift of Time. Time together with our loved ones. Time to build stronger and deeper relationships with our families and friends through a variety of means. Time to rest. Time to get those projects done around the house we have been putting off for years. Time to read. Time to exercise and get healthy. Time to listen to the birds, watch the grass grow, feel the wind blow on our faces, and feel the dirt between our fingers. Time to let Mother Earth heal herself (which is a beautiful thing in my opinion). Time to be still and know God, to build that relationship with Him that we sometimes seem to put off, to read His word, to pray deeply.

1 Sing to the LORD a new song; sing to the LORD, all the earth. 

2 Sing to the LORD, praise his name; proclaim his salvation day after day. 

3 Declare his glory among the nations, his marvelous deeds among all peoples. 

4 For great is the LORD and most worthy of praise; he is to be feared above all gods.  ~Psalm 96:1-4

I think it is impeccable timing (and of course, all part of His plan) that everything going on in the world right now, this ultimate reset of living, correlates with  Easter, the ultimate reset of life. Easter was in God's plan, too. He knew that even in that most horrific moment, the most beautiful thing was happening for all of humanity. He knew that although there was suffering and loss, there was life, eternal life. He knew that through His own personal sacrifice, He was doing something BIG to save all of us.

Think about that. He gave up his only son to save us....you, me, everybody!

Now, here we are in 2020. People are seeing their "Vision" of the year changing right in front of them. They are having to slow down, learn that the things we have put as priorities are not as important as our time with our families. People are experiencing the loss of sports, gatherings, "normal" activities, etc. just to be able to live and be healthy and safe. Best of all, we are all gifted the opportunity to save lives by obeying God's plan for us to slow down and take this time. 

I pray that we all look at and appreciate this gift He has given us. Not only that he gave His son, so that we can have eternal life, but that he is giving us life right now. He is giving us the beauty of this moment to draw closer to Him and learn to live simply in His word. I pray that you know His love and just how loved you are, that you take time to pray and read the Bible, that you revel in the moments that He is blessing you with right now, and that you give thanks to Him for His plan....his 2020 vision.

give thanks in all circumstances; for his is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. ~ 1 Thessalonians 5:18

Dreams: Let's speak them into existence!

When my sister was still here, but fighting cancer, we had a lot of talks about our dreams. I was at a crossroads about whether I even wanted to remain teaching or not.

She suggested a book, that someone else had suggested to her called Quitter: Closing the Gap Between Your Day Job and Your Dream Job by Jon Acuff.

So I bought it. It's REALLY good. One of the things in the book talks about thinking about the phrase "I'm a ____, but I want to be a ____". What you are versus what your dream is.

I figured when I read the book, I needed to figure out my dream.

Another thing he talks about in the book is that you have to really reflect on what makes you happy, what makes your dream what you are passionate about.

So, I thought of all the things that make me happy: my sister, kids, animals, the camp on "It Takes Two", the camp we went to when we were kids, the camp my sister and I helped work one summer at Victory Junction Gang Camp.

And my dream started to form.

A camp.

My dream is to have a camp. A camp where kids can come and grow, where they can do things they normally wouldn't do, where they can learn about and how to do things they may not normally be interested in, where they tune out the social media world and focus on the present.

But why stop there! I want to include a barn and mini farm, a place where we can rescue animals that need love and let kids learn how to care for them and learn what responsibility is.

But why stop there! Camp is all about learning about yourself, but also team building. So why stop with kids. I want my camp to be open to adults as well. Companies, groups, and friends can come learn about themselves, but also team build.

My idea is that camp is open to kids all throughout the year when school is out of session (summer break, fall break, spring break). Adults and companies could book between those sessions. I can have special weeks like Victory Junction Gang Camp does for kids and families with illnesses.

This is my DREAM!

I'm speaking it out loud because I believe so much that prayer and talking about a dream will help it come true!

Just look at my son! I wanted to be a mom and I followed that dream until it came true!

This past weekend I told my niece and nephew about my dream. It was the first time I really talked about it since my sister died. The excitement they had about it got me excited about it again.

And then I realized when looking in my son's eyes, and seeing the excitement my Littles had about my dream, that I need to quit talking about it and start working on it.

One way I hope to get started on it is to write a book or two and make money from them to fund it.

So, coming sometime in the future....

Camp Crazy Strong

Strong and Steadfast

I LOVE everything about 2018! I chose the word ADVENTURE for my focus in 2018 and it definitely was filled with adventure. When I look at my list of adventures that I wanted to have in 2018, I did accomplish several: I lost weight and decluttered my house, but the biggest and BEST adventure was becoming a MOMMY!

I loved my adventure so much and the idea of adventure, that I plan to continue to seeking adventure in 2019. I'll post soon about my adventures if you want to join.

My primary reason for tonight's post is about my word(s) for 2019. Since 2009, I've chosen words, either to focus on throughout the year, or in reflection of my year that I feel best represented that year. You can see those here and here. It's neat to look back and see how much each word or phrase truly represented that year or helped me focus on something I wanted to work on.

Reflecting on 2018 and looking forward to 2019, I really wanted to choose a word or words that would help me keep my momentum of happiness, joy, and peace that I have found in 2018. I also just started to listen to my own heart through my prayers and listen to what God was laying on my heart.

I had a few words in mind, but when walking through Hobby Lobby and thinking about those words, God reached up and nudged me to choose my first word: STRONG

When I thought about using STRONG as my word, I thought about all of the aspects that this can apply to in my life. Since having my sweet boy, I know I have changed my thinking about a lot of things. I am the single parent by choice. I'm raising a son that I want to grow up to be a good man. When I think of STRONG, I think of being strong in the 4 Fs: Faith, Family, Friends, Fitness.

Number 1 priority is to grow my faith, so that I can help cultivate my little man's faith. I have to be the example to him and help him grow in Christ.

Another priority is to grow those strong relationships with Family and Friends. I'm close to so many people and I want to make sure I keep that up. Plus, my family and friends are my village for my "son"shine. He needs to see me strengthening those relationships, praying for them, and living the word for them.

Now that I have my little buddy, I am more motivated than ever to get healthy. Notice, I didn't say skinny or fit necessarily, but healthy and STRONG. I want to be able to play sports with my kid and run and play with him. I want to be able to do those things without being totally out of breath or worn out after 5 minutes. Me getting healthy and STRONG, is as much for him as it is for me.

I'm not just stuck on the 4 Fs to be STRONG, but I know if I begin with these 4 areas to focus on being Strong, it will snowball and continue in other aspects.

Now, you may be wondering why my post is titled Strong and Steadfast. As I really started looking at and figuring out my word for the year, God laid on my heart that I've been here and tried this before; I've said I would grow my faith by reading and studying the Bible more, that I would spend more time with friends and family, that I would work out and get fit...

So knowing my heart, God told me I need to be STEADFAST in my endeavors this year.

Of course, I wanted to know more about this word, so naturally I looked up the definitions to make sure I understand it:

resolutely or dutifully firm and unwavering.

Synonyms: loyal, faithful, committed, devoted, dedicated, dependable, reliable, steady, true, constant, solid, trusty

So, yep! 2019 I will be STRONG and STEADFAST in all that I do. It's no longer just about me, it's about my baby boy too.

Patience

I used to think I had to be adopted. My parents and sister were the calmest, most patient people I knew; I definitely was not.

Whoever is patient has great understanding,

but one who is quick-tempered displays folly.

Proverbs 14:29

I used to think patience was waiting calmly for what you wanted, but over the years, I've learned it's more about calm tolerance of your circumstances.

Let's rewind. Like I said above, I was not a patient or calm person, especially in my teenage and early adult years. I would get so angry, super fast, over every little thing. The dumbest stuff would make me so mad, and it would ruin my day, week, month...or so I thought. I had no tolerance for waiting for things I wanted to happen for me, while I watched everyone around me get the things I wanted. While I could be genuinely happy for others, I could also get very sad, upset, angry, impatient that I wasn't getting those things.

But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. Roman 8:25

But then life happened to me. 

My sister had kids. I saw a new kind of patience. And for the first time, it made more sense to me why patience was so important. It wasn't about waiting for what I wanted....it was about doing what was best in each situation. It was about staying calm to help the kids learn all of these things I already know about life.

And then my sister got sick, and I learned a new kind of patience. God showed me how to be patient in Him and His plans. I learned that in all of the circumstances, all of the situations, all of the waiting and hoping and praying, all of it came back to believing and trusting in God because He knows.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12

Then the worst day of my life happened. It sucked. It sucked the life out of me. But through all of that, I realized it didn't make me angry, like I would have been before patience.

It changed me. 

Sometimes, I don't even know who I am...but in a good way because I've changed, whether everyone knows it or not. My patience became a peace.

Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7

Don't get me wrong, I still have times where a situation can make me snap back to those teenage/early adult years when I could just lose it. BUT for the most part, I've definitely grown up and finally found patience and my peace.

And I couldn't be happier.

I am so thankful and happy that I have found the patience and peace I need to live my life for God and others. Now instead of wishing and hoping for things, I pray and wait patiently. Now instead of losing my cool in situations, I am calm and peaceful and understanding.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Colossians 3:12

I have patience for the things I wish for. I have patience for the ones I love. I have patience for strangers. I have patience for myself. And all of it brings such peace.

It takes a village

I have truly learned that when it comes to kids, it does take a village of people to help love and raise them.

Boy, does my sweet baby have a village. I have to admit, when I decided to become a mom, I was a little worried people wouldn't be supportive just because you never know how people react to news. However, I've never felt so much love and it just warms my heart and makes my sweet boy do flips.

So many people have asked what I need (because I have an awesome village!) and I have a few items already. My biggest worry/need is diapers, wipes, and formula (gift cards to purchase since I don't know what he will use yet).

Baby E is registered at Target and Walmart if you search for my name.

However, we love hand-me-downs, so if anyone has any of the items on the registries that they'd like to part with, Baby E graciously accepts.

We love our village!

Thank you for loving us!

Beautiful Scars

Have you ever heard of kintsugi? 

According to the article Kintsugi: the art of precious scars 

Kintsugi: the art of precious scars

Kintsugi: the art of precious scars

Kintsugi: the art of precious scars

Kintsugi: the art of precious scars

"This traditional Japanese art uses a precious metal – liquid gold, liquid silver or lacquer dusted with powdered gold – to bring together the pieces of a broken pottery item and at the same time enhance the breaks. Every repaired piece is unique, because of the randomness with which ceramics shatters and the irregular patterns formed that are enhanced with the use of metals."

From the same article

From the Huffington Post article From Broken to Beautiful, "While the original form of the vase has forever been destroyed, through Kintsugi’s alchemy, the essence of its beauty not only survives, it thrives. In other words, the transformation is not just about putting the pieces of one’s broken life back together, it’s about a total reinvention of self in which our shattered pieces are alchemized into a beautiful, thriving masterpiece."

So what does this have to do with grief?

I was so close with my sister, as close as twins could be without being twins. I never in a million years EVER envisioned growing up and growing old without her. 

But God had His plan.

So on the worst, worst day of my entire life, I shattered into a million pieces. Just like the bowl above....only I felt like my pieces were as small as a grain of sand. You are FOREVER changed in a split second, whether you know it's coming or are slapped in the face unexpectedly. You really can't, and never will, go back to ever being close to the same person you were. 

You.....are.....broken......

And you deserve to be because the worst thing you could ever imagine has happened. Don't let someone make you feel like you shouldn't be broken. (Usually those are the people who don't truly know what being broken is.)

So, how do you gather up millions of pieces of grains of sand to begin to repair them like they do with kintsugi?

The thing is...you don't really know; until, one day you do.

Over the past 1,234 days (real number of days I've lived without my sister- also don't judge me for knowing the number; we all grieve in different ways), I've slowly seen my grains of sand begin to be repaired like a bowl using kintsugi. 

You don't realize it at first, but all the love, prayers, hugs, cards, gifts, texts, calls, dinners, or sitting in silence that you receive from your family, friends, coworkers, and people you haven't seen or heard from in forever slowly start to pick up the broken pieces you can't seem to find.

Then, because you become very hyper aware of others who become broken from the tragedies of life, the gold or silver liquid slowly starts piecing you together as you become an empathetic guide to those who are on the same side of brokenness as you. 

But you don't realize it just yet.

You spend 1,232 days seeing friends and family lose loved ones. You go and love on them because you know how much it meant and helped you when you first shattered. You cry because your heart is changed and you can't help that tears leak out of your eyes, like liquid gold and silver, without you realizing it. You check on them and are "there for them" because you know how much it helps them pick up those grains of sand.

In those 1,232 days, you don't realize that your pieces have been gathered, the liquid gold or silver has been placed, and you are suddenly pieced together, but this time with a beautiful scar. 

But on day 1,233, a friend experiences the same, tragic, sudden loss that you did. You send them love and prayers because you know the brokenness (you still feel broken sometimes...ok, a lot) and you want to take that brokenness away because no one should have to feel that. Except this time, they know and acknowledge that you above all know what they are truly feeling, experiencing, and living in that exact moment.....and forever. You are now connected and kindred spirits from here to eternity.

And you think about that statement.... "you above all know"

And you slowly reflect on the past 1,233 days. All the kind words people have said about how strong you are (even though you don't feel it)...how inspiring you are (even though you don't see it)....how understanding you are (even though you wish the circumstances were different for us all).

And you begin to see that people say these things because you've started to reach kintsugi, even though you never realized it. Your pieces have been gathered, the liquid gold or silver has been placed, the pieces are connecting again. You are not whole......you never can be again, but now instead of being completely broken, you are "unique" with your beautiful scar. 

A beautiful scar you wish you didn't have, but a scar you will wear forever. A beautiful scar that is filled with the great memories you have of life before your tragedy, memories of the love you received during your darkest days when you were shattered all over the place, memories that you will continue to make in your loved one's honor, and memories you haven't even made yet.

In one of the articles I read about kintsugi they quoted Rumi as saying “The wound is the place where the light enters you.” 

When I think of this quote, it reminds me of Matthew 5:16 "Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven."

Our wounds become those beautiful scars we live with the rest of our earthly lives because of the light others shine upon us during our brokenness and the light we are able to shine upon others because of the empathy we are left with from being broken. 

We become a "beautiful, thriving masterpiece", just like the art of kintsugi.

Just like God planned.

2018 Adventures & an Announcement

So I when I last wrote, I said I was going to blog more. Ooopsie! My bad!

I also announced that my word for the 2018 is ADVENTURE! I love adventure and after I announced my word for the year, I made out a list, a starter list, of adventures I want to have this year. Some big, some small, but I just want to remember to go out and focus on living life.

Of course, as always, everyone is welcome to accompany me on my adventures. Here's my list:

So all of these are pretty much adventures in the works. I've got plans here and there for some of them.

You may have also noticed #1 on my list. 

So, I've ALWAYS wanted to be a mom, in whatever capacity that meant. Adoption is BIG on my heart. Initially that is the route I've been researching for years: cost, process, what would happen with a maternity leave, etc. 

Last year when I went for my yearly lady appointment, my doctor mentioned that I may want to freeze my eggs because, ya know, I'm getting on up there in years, even though I'm only 25 (+10)! Well in my adoption research, I started researching some other things, and ways to become a mom (ya know, since I'm single). 

I prayed a lot about things and decided to try something. So, I chose a donor, had a procedure, and it didn't work. 

So, I tried a second time, and......

Drumroll......

......

2nd procedure worked! I'm going to be a MOMMY!!!!!  EEEKKK!!!!

I'm so excited! My family is excited!

I have so many things on my heart about this and I will for sure blog about it more. But I just wanted to finally share my news that my biggest dream is coming true. Everything is looking great and healthy. I can't wait for September to get here!

Let the Adventure Begin!