I stopped talking to God

Confession time: I stopped praying as much as I used to before December 9th.

It's not something I did on purpose. It's not because I'm mad at God. It's not because my faith has wavered (if anything it's gotten stronger). It's not because I don't believe God will hear or answer our prayers.

For 798 days, I prayed so hard that I felt like my soul would rip itself out of my body. Every moment I was alone, I would pray. Even when people were around, I prayed. Even in the busy moments and all of the quiet moments, I prayed. Have you ever prayed that hard? You know what I mean, when you pray so deep from your soul that you can feel a tug deep in your stomach and straight from your heart, like it's being pulled out of your body and heading straight into God's hands and ears.

My faith, my love for God was and has been deepened over the past couple of years. I couldn't be more thankful for that. Although we mourn, I've seen some of the greatest things happen during this time. I've seen people learn about and start to follow Jesus. I've seen selfless acts of kindness happen. I've seen people change their way of living to spend more time with friends and loved ones because they know how precious time is. I've seen people unite to show support and love for people they don't even know because they know how unfair some situations are. God is good all of the time! And He has shown me that, even though I mourn.

But I stopped talking to God...

And I finally realized it and once I realized it, I also realized why.

I stopped talking to God because I want to talk to Keri. Keri is my go-to person. The one who could always say the perfect thing to make me feel better, to make me realize what decisions I needed to make, to cheer me up, to make me see the positive side of any negative situation. Everything that has happened to me over the past 169 days has been hard. Even the good things have been hard. For 30 years, she heard the good, the bad, and the ugly of me. So, it's hard to have bad days and not get to talk to her about it. But it's even harder to have great days that I just want to share with her because those great days and moments are what are making me happy and helping me get through the worst thing of my life.

I know not talking to God isn't the answer to anything. Technically I still do. I still pray, but not like I was for those 798 days. My body, my soul, and my mind were and are still kind of exhausted. This is no excuse, and I realize that it's not a good one even if it was. A lot of time, my prayer is simply, "God, you know what's on my heart and mind today. Amen." Sometimes, it's just hard to pray...to talk with Him. I don't have the words, but I know He's there and I know He understands me right now.

Before anyone suggests that I talk to Keri, don't worry, I do. This is what I normally look like

Every time you see me with my eyes closed, facing the sun, I'm talking to her. She is the sun after all. I talk to her in the busy moments and the quiet moments, the happy days and the sad days, when I'm driving or hiking or just any time my heart feels it. I talk to Keri so I can talk to God because I know He hears me too. Doing so helps my heart.

I can't wait until the day I get to talk to them both face to face. That will be the best day ever! So, until then I'll just keep talking to them both. :)