10

October has always been my favorite month. Keri's too. All the leaves changing, the smell of pumpkin, the harvest decorations, visiting Gatlinburg....

3 years ago October changed. Keri was diagnosed and all of a sudden all we saw was an explosion of pink, everywhere. At the time, I didn't understand how seeing all of the pink really bothered Keri. We'd been through breast cancer with Mom, and we made it a fun time dressing up and celebrating each treatment, wearing pink, living life. So to me, pink was a symbol of hope. But to Keri it was a constant reminder of the fight she was going through. I didn't understand until now. This year seeing pink is a constant reminder of what our world has lost.

This October has hit me hard. I do enjoy the leaves changing, the smell of pumpkins, the harvest decorations, but it's hard to enjoy it. Last October was when I really realized, or started to acknowledge, how sick Keri was. This time last year, we took our last family vacation to Gatlinburg, we planned our last Halloween party/hayride at my dad's house, we watched Hocus Pocus together for the last time.

It seems like when someone dies you think of all of the firsts you have to go through: holidays, birthdays, summer breaks, fall breaks, etc. For me, it's like a gigantic reflection of the lasts: the last picture we took together, the last text message we had, the last conversation we had, the last party we planned together, the last hug, last kiss, last love you infinity....

Today marks 10 months that God decided He needed her. Double digits. I was telling my mom the other day that that's a long time, but like it was just yesterday all at the same time. December 9th will never be the same, but it's the 10th that is what I'm living every day. The realization every morning when I wake up that I can't call her, hug her, talk to her, watch her raise her kids. It's like a terrible remake of the movie Groundhog's Day, where you live the same day with small differences, but it's still the same.

I started writing this and now I've completely lost my train of thought and what I was wanting to say. So I guess I'll leave you with this: enjoy every moment you have with the people you love, respect that Pinktober isn't spectacular for everyone, and watch Hocus Pocus at least once this season.