My brain and my heart are in a war. My brain is really confused lately. Because of this confusion, it keeps making my heart sad.
I know that Keri has been gone for one year, one month, and five days. I know that I can't call her, text her, hang out with her, talk to her, hear her voice answer me back.... I know that.
But my brain is so confused!
Around the year mark of the day we lost Keri, I started having dreams that were so incredibly ridiculous, but so real to me that I started waking up really believing that Keri was still alive. In one particular dream, we were around 10 years old at our dad's house and everything happening was so crazy and nothing that would ever really happen. In the dream, I was talking with Keri and I told her that I knew this wasn't real because she's not really here any more. And in this dream, she kept arguing with me that she was really there, that she is still here, and that she hadn't gone away.
Metaphorically, I do know that she is still here with us all, but my dream had me so convinced that she was physically still here. I laid in bed for probably 10 minutes rethinking my dream, the feelings that it caused, and seriously having to think about what the truth was.
I got up, went about my day like normal, and then by late afternoon had a list of things I was going to talk to Keri about when I called her later that evening. It wasn't until the moment I was going over the list in my head that I really stopped and went through the past year in my head. Then the bricks started falling on top of me again. When you forget, but then you remember, you start mourning and grieving all over again.
That was a good day that turned into a really bad day.
The thing is.....it hasn't stopped happening. She's sooooooo real in my heart (which I'm happy about) that my brain has started convincing itself that she's here. And then I start looking at pictures and thinking about how long it's been since I took a picture with her...and then I start thinking about how much I am carrying around inside my chest that I want to tell her from the past year...and then I start remembering the terrible, terrible night and day....and then I start remembering how much life has had to change this year....and then I'm so sad for me, and for my parents, and Daniel, but especially the kids.
The other day I realized that I hadn't thought about her being gone all day (because I had in my mind that she was still here). It was already dark out when I happened to see a picture of her on my Timehop. I was happy and devastated all at once in the same moment. Seeing her beautiful, smiling face, thinking about how we had no idea what was going to happen in the years to come, remembering that fun memory that was made....
It's crazy how that can happen to feel so many things that contradict each other all at the same time.
I'm so thankful that I feel her so much. It really does bring me comfort. It's the heartache from remembering that she really is gone that is so hard. Is this some weird kind of part of grief? I don't understand.
I'm so confused and mixed up that I don't even know how to really end this blog tonight, soooo I guess I'll say.....Hug your loved ones, call them, spend time with them, say everything you want to say to them because you never know when your brain might start confusing your heart one day when your loved ones are chilling with Keri in Heaven.
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