The Senses

Recently I've been talking to a couple of different people about my feelings and I shared with them something I don't readily admit, but I'm going to.

Losing someone changes a person, especially if you were so close. Losing Keri has really changed me. Yeh, you may see me and talk to me and think I'm ok, but really I'm not. I'm pretty sure I've written something like this before, and if I haven't I've thought it, but I feel like I have multiple personalities sometimes. I have the personality that people see because I don't want to be sad. I have the one that is screaming inside every day because I'm so sad. I have the one that is confused, the one that has a big piece of duct tape on her mouth, the one that feels like a giant rain cloud follows her around, the one who wants to feel normal,  the one who doesn't really believe she's gone.

Through all of my confusion inside sometimes my senses seem to get off balance. When they do, it may bring back a memory or may cause me to do weird things to make me feel normal again.

I SEE Keri in my dreams a lot. She doesn't always talk to me, but she's there. Sometimes when I have trouble "Seeing" Keri again, I will face the sun, close my eyes and just stand there until I can see her face again like the day she left us. I can see her smiling and laughing and it's like getting a hug from her again.

I miss her smell. You know how people have a certain smell. A few months ago, I found a bottle of perfume she used to have, but she gave to me. It doesn't smell the same on me, but it takes me back to high school and college when she used to wear it. It makes me feel like she's here in a weird sense.

I have never been a big watermelon fan, but over the past year, I have continued to get an overwhelming taste in my mouth of watermelon, or Cherry Southern Snows, or Bubble Tape, or even Sundrop. Again, it brings a memory and a smile.

Sometimes I will swear I hear Keri laughing or saying sometime. Sometimes I feel like I can't hear anything but the crazy in my head. I have a video of Keri laughing at the kids a month before she went to Heaven. It's saved in about 100 places so I can't lose it. It's still on my phone too. Sometimes I will play it so I can hear her laugh. I didn't realize at the time how weak her voice and laugh were until I listened to it after she was gone, but golly I am so thankful I can still listen to it. I also have a voicemail from her from about 5 years ago when Cale first started saying Shiney. I can hear her in the background helping him say to call her back. It's too hard to hear sometimes, but is always a happy accident that makes me miss her so freaking big.

Finally, these 4 senses, bring about the sense of feeling. How lost I feel sometimes, how I sad I feel sometimes, how guilty I feel sometimes. There's no way to really truly explain how screwed up it feels. And when it finally gets to the point that is feels so crazy, you know what I do? I turn the shower on as hot as a human can possibly stand it (just like Keri used to do) and I stand under the shower until I am able to really feel again. That I can feel that I am still here, that I have a purpose other than grieving, that I have a job of sharing her legacy with her kids, that I deserve to be here and do good things. I stand there and let the water wash away the ice I have let build up, I let the water warm my body and mind back to normal.

I let the water hit my head so the only thing I can hear is my heart beat. I drown out the sounds of grief and find that I'm still here and that's ok. I taste the water running over my face and smell how clean and feel like I'm being washed anew again. After I let the hot, hot water wash away the hurt and sadness, then I can see again. I can see that it's part of life, whether we like it or not, whether we understand it or not.

I know it may be weird, but I also know it's ok.

Gosh I miss her so.