Yesterday marked 3 months....90 whole days of my sister being in another place. 92 days since I got to talk to her and cut up with her and be that "normal" we had grown accustomed to over her 2 year 2 month journey.
It's crazy how as you are growing up and becoming an adult life can feel "normal". Most of you probably feel that you have a "normal" life right now. People have their "normal" routines, their "normal" weekend plans, their "normal" daily activities.
But..... Then when something like cancer comes along, your "normal" changes. You get used to the "new normal" of seeing your loved one without hair and with new scars. Your "new normal" includes conversations you NEVER want to have with someone who is supposed to be your Louise when you are an old gray Thelma. Your "new normal" is seeing people rally around your loved one in the biggest display of love, support, and encouragement that you've ever seen in your life. Your "new normal" is savoring every single minute spent with your most favorite person because you, in your early 30s, have realized how precious every single second with someone you love is.
As I type this, I remember my last "new normal" time spent with Keri. Our last sister time together alone. Just me and Keri. Conversations about life. Plans for the future. Worries of the future. Philosophical discussions. Promises made. We should've been talking about who I have a crush on or ideas for Christmas lesson plans with our students. We should've been talking about what we were going to do during winter break with the kids or going Christmas shopping....anything that would've been "normal" 2 years and 2 months prior. But instead, it was those things. And honestly, I'm glad we had our conversation. We were those old gray women talking, just in 30 year old bodies.
But then IT happened. 2 years and 2 months and the only way God could heal her was to take her to Heaven. BOOM! Now you have a "new NEW normal". But this "new NEW normal" sucks! There's no way to sugar coat it because it does. No more phone calls. No more text messages. No more sleepovers. No more conversations. No more planning together. No more sister time....
You know what makes it even worse? Is this "new NEW normal" is actually more like a vicious cycle that is on repeat every day or every time you feel like are back to those "normal" days 2 years and 5 months ago and go to text or call her something funny. With this "new NEW normal" you get to feel those raw emotions hit you like a wrestler doing a clothesline to your throat. You get to feel that stab in your heart, punch in the gut, every time you remember what you wish you could forget.......what you wish wasn't real.
With this "new NEW normal", some days I can make it the 3 feet to my bathroom after my alarm goes off before I think about...most mornings it's as soon as the alarm goes off. Or if someone sends me a text message, my first thought is that it's Keri, then I feel the clothesline, stab, and punch. My "new NEW normal" is daily torture right now.
Don't get me wrong, I'm still living life and probably making the most out of it more now that I might have a few years ago. It's just not as fun without Keri.....and, to me, it probably never will be. But slowly, slowly, slowly, SLOWLY, I'll learn to live with this "new NEW normal" because I guess that's just part of life right? I really hate "new NEW normal".
