Patience

I used to think I had to be adopted. My parents and sister were the calmest, most patient people I knew; I definitely was not.

Whoever is patient has great understanding,

but one who is quick-tempered displays folly.

Proverbs 14:29

I used to think patience was waiting calmly for what you wanted, but over the years, I've learned it's more about calm tolerance of your circumstances.

Let's rewind. Like I said above, I was not a patient or calm person, especially in my teenage and early adult years. I would get so angry, super fast, over every little thing. The dumbest stuff would make me so mad, and it would ruin my day, week, month...or so I thought. I had no tolerance for waiting for things I wanted to happen for me, while I watched everyone around me get the things I wanted. While I could be genuinely happy for others, I could also get very sad, upset, angry, impatient that I wasn't getting those things.

But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. Roman 8:25

But then life happened to me. 

My sister had kids. I saw a new kind of patience. And for the first time, it made more sense to me why patience was so important. It wasn't about waiting for what I wanted....it was about doing what was best in each situation. It was about staying calm to help the kids learn all of these things I already know about life.

And then my sister got sick, and I learned a new kind of patience. God showed me how to be patient in Him and His plans. I learned that in all of the circumstances, all of the situations, all of the waiting and hoping and praying, all of it came back to believing and trusting in God because He knows.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12

Then the worst day of my life happened. It sucked. It sucked the life out of me. But through all of that, I realized it didn't make me angry, like I would have been before patience.

It changed me. 

Sometimes, I don't even know who I am...but in a good way because I've changed, whether everyone knows it or not. My patience became a peace.

Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7

Don't get me wrong, I still have times where a situation can make me snap back to those teenage/early adult years when I could just lose it. BUT for the most part, I've definitely grown up and finally found patience and my peace.

And I couldn't be happier.

I am so thankful and happy that I have found the patience and peace I need to live my life for God and others. Now instead of wishing and hoping for things, I pray and wait patiently. Now instead of losing my cool in situations, I am calm and peaceful and understanding.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Colossians 3:12

I have patience for the things I wish for. I have patience for the ones I love. I have patience for strangers. I have patience for myself. And all of it brings such peace.

It takes a village

I have truly learned that when it comes to kids, it does take a village of people to help love and raise them.

Boy, does my sweet baby have a village. I have to admit, when I decided to become a mom, I was a little worried people wouldn't be supportive just because you never know how people react to news. However, I've never felt so much love and it just warms my heart and makes my sweet boy do flips.

So many people have asked what I need (because I have an awesome village!) and I have a few items already. My biggest worry/need is diapers, wipes, and formula (gift cards to purchase since I don't know what he will use yet).

Baby E is registered at Target and Walmart if you search for my name.

However, we love hand-me-downs, so if anyone has any of the items on the registries that they'd like to part with, Baby E graciously accepts.

We love our village!

Thank you for loving us!

Beautiful Scars

Have you ever heard of kintsugi? 

According to the article Kintsugi: the art of precious scars 

Kintsugi: the art of precious scars

Kintsugi: the art of precious scars

Kintsugi: the art of precious scars

Kintsugi: the art of precious scars

"This traditional Japanese art uses a precious metal – liquid gold, liquid silver or lacquer dusted with powdered gold – to bring together the pieces of a broken pottery item and at the same time enhance the breaks. Every repaired piece is unique, because of the randomness with which ceramics shatters and the irregular patterns formed that are enhanced with the use of metals."

From the same article

From the Huffington Post article From Broken to Beautiful, "While the original form of the vase has forever been destroyed, through Kintsugi’s alchemy, the essence of its beauty not only survives, it thrives. In other words, the transformation is not just about putting the pieces of one’s broken life back together, it’s about a total reinvention of self in which our shattered pieces are alchemized into a beautiful, thriving masterpiece."

So what does this have to do with grief?

I was so close with my sister, as close as twins could be without being twins. I never in a million years EVER envisioned growing up and growing old without her. 

But God had His plan.

So on the worst, worst day of my entire life, I shattered into a million pieces. Just like the bowl above....only I felt like my pieces were as small as a grain of sand. You are FOREVER changed in a split second, whether you know it's coming or are slapped in the face unexpectedly. You really can't, and never will, go back to ever being close to the same person you were. 

You.....are.....broken......

And you deserve to be because the worst thing you could ever imagine has happened. Don't let someone make you feel like you shouldn't be broken. (Usually those are the people who don't truly know what being broken is.)

So, how do you gather up millions of pieces of grains of sand to begin to repair them like they do with kintsugi?

The thing is...you don't really know; until, one day you do.

Over the past 1,234 days (real number of days I've lived without my sister- also don't judge me for knowing the number; we all grieve in different ways), I've slowly seen my grains of sand begin to be repaired like a bowl using kintsugi. 

You don't realize it at first, but all the love, prayers, hugs, cards, gifts, texts, calls, dinners, or sitting in silence that you receive from your family, friends, coworkers, and people you haven't seen or heard from in forever slowly start to pick up the broken pieces you can't seem to find.

Then, because you become very hyper aware of others who become broken from the tragedies of life, the gold or silver liquid slowly starts piecing you together as you become an empathetic guide to those who are on the same side of brokenness as you. 

But you don't realize it just yet.

You spend 1,232 days seeing friends and family lose loved ones. You go and love on them because you know how much it meant and helped you when you first shattered. You cry because your heart is changed and you can't help that tears leak out of your eyes, like liquid gold and silver, without you realizing it. You check on them and are "there for them" because you know how much it helps them pick up those grains of sand.

In those 1,232 days, you don't realize that your pieces have been gathered, the liquid gold or silver has been placed, and you are suddenly pieced together, but this time with a beautiful scar. 

But on day 1,233, a friend experiences the same, tragic, sudden loss that you did. You send them love and prayers because you know the brokenness (you still feel broken sometimes...ok, a lot) and you want to take that brokenness away because no one should have to feel that. Except this time, they know and acknowledge that you above all know what they are truly feeling, experiencing, and living in that exact moment.....and forever. You are now connected and kindred spirits from here to eternity.

And you think about that statement.... "you above all know"

And you slowly reflect on the past 1,233 days. All the kind words people have said about how strong you are (even though you don't feel it)...how inspiring you are (even though you don't see it)....how understanding you are (even though you wish the circumstances were different for us all).

And you begin to see that people say these things because you've started to reach kintsugi, even though you never realized it. Your pieces have been gathered, the liquid gold or silver has been placed, the pieces are connecting again. You are not whole......you never can be again, but now instead of being completely broken, you are "unique" with your beautiful scar. 

A beautiful scar you wish you didn't have, but a scar you will wear forever. A beautiful scar that is filled with the great memories you have of life before your tragedy, memories of the love you received during your darkest days when you were shattered all over the place, memories that you will continue to make in your loved one's honor, and memories you haven't even made yet.

In one of the articles I read about kintsugi they quoted Rumi as saying “The wound is the place where the light enters you.” 

When I think of this quote, it reminds me of Matthew 5:16 "Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven."

Our wounds become those beautiful scars we live with the rest of our earthly lives because of the light others shine upon us during our brokenness and the light we are able to shine upon others because of the empathy we are left with from being broken. 

We become a "beautiful, thriving masterpiece", just like the art of kintsugi.

Just like God planned.

2018 Adventures & an Announcement

So I when I last wrote, I said I was going to blog more. Ooopsie! My bad!

I also announced that my word for the 2018 is ADVENTURE! I love adventure and after I announced my word for the year, I made out a list, a starter list, of adventures I want to have this year. Some big, some small, but I just want to remember to go out and focus on living life.

Of course, as always, everyone is welcome to accompany me on my adventures. Here's my list:

So all of these are pretty much adventures in the works. I've got plans here and there for some of them.

You may have also noticed #1 on my list. 

So, I've ALWAYS wanted to be a mom, in whatever capacity that meant. Adoption is BIG on my heart. Initially that is the route I've been researching for years: cost, process, what would happen with a maternity leave, etc. 

Last year when I went for my yearly lady appointment, my doctor mentioned that I may want to freeze my eggs because, ya know, I'm getting on up there in years, even though I'm only 25 (+10)! Well in my adoption research, I started researching some other things, and ways to become a mom (ya know, since I'm single). 

I prayed a lot about things and decided to try something. So, I chose a donor, had a procedure, and it didn't work. 

So, I tried a second time, and......

Drumroll......

......

2nd procedure worked! I'm going to be a MOMMY!!!!!  EEEKKK!!!!

I'm so excited! My family is excited!

I have so many things on my heart about this and I will for sure blog about it more. But I just wanted to finally share my news that my biggest dream is coming true. Everything is looking great and healthy. I can't wait for September to get here!

Let the Adventure Begin!

Letting Go for a Grand Adventure

I will do better blogging. I will do better blogging. I will do better blogging.

At least that's what I tell myself every year, and here I've gone about a year and a half since I've written anything. haha!

Ok, so really I plan on doing more blogging this year. At 35 years old, I have finally determined that writing is my creative outlet (as opposed to any other type of artistic creativity).

So way back in 2015 (sheesh that's a long time ago!) I wrote a blog about words for the new year. I had reflected on words that I felt represented my years all the way back to 2009 and chose words I wanted to guide me in 2016. Although I never wrote about it, I did focus on happiness and love in 2016.

I didn't choose words to guide me in 2017, but as 2017 began to draw to a close, I started reflecting on a word or words that I felt truly represented 2017. I went through a million words, but eventually settled on Letting Go as the words I felt best represented 2017.

2017 saw a lot of me letting go. I let go of:

• negative people from my life
• a "friendship" that never was truly a friendship
• the resentment I had for a person
• a work environment that wasn't helping me be my best me
• the pursuit of a dream job
• the security of my hometown
• anger
• sadness
• insecurities

If I keep thinking about it, I let go of a lot. But when I let go of those things, I gained so much more! I gained positivity back, I gained true friends, I found a place I LOVE to go to each day for work, I found opportunities that I've been looking for and working towards for years, I found personal and professional growth, I found a renewed purpose, I found happiness, I found myself!

So now that I gear up for 2018 (I just love even years!), what shall my word(s) be. I want to stay on this roll of momentum I have and really enjoy life. So, my word for 2018 is going to be

ADVENTURE

I can't wait to see what 2018 brings. Join me for the adventure.