Recently I've been talking to a couple of different people about my feelings and I shared with them something I don't readily admit, but I'm going to.
Losing someone changes a person, especially if you were so close. Losing Keri has really changed me. Yeh, you may see me and talk to me and think I'm ok, but really I'm not. I'm pretty sure I've written something like this before, and if I haven't I've thought it, but I feel like I have multiple personalities sometimes. I have the personality that people see because I don't want to be sad. I have the one that is screaming inside every day because I'm so sad. I have the one that is confused, the one that has a big piece of duct tape on her mouth, the one that feels like a giant rain cloud follows her around, the one who wants to feel normal, the one who doesn't really believe she's gone.
Through all of my confusion inside sometimes my senses seem to get off balance. When they do, it may bring back a memory or may cause me to do weird things to make me feel normal again.
I SEE Keri in my dreams a lot. She doesn't always talk to me, but she's there. Sometimes when I have trouble "Seeing" Keri again, I will face the sun, close my eyes and just stand there until I can see her face again like the day she left us. I can see her smiling and laughing and it's like getting a hug from her again.
I miss her smell. You know how people have a certain smell. A few months ago, I found a bottle of perfume she used to have, but she gave to me. It doesn't smell the same on me, but it takes me back to high school and college when she used to wear it. It makes me feel like she's here in a weird sense.
I have never been a big watermelon fan, but over the past year, I have continued to get an overwhelming taste in my mouth of watermelon, or Cherry Southern Snows, or Bubble Tape, or even Sundrop. Again, it brings a memory and a smile.
Sometimes I will swear I hear Keri laughing or saying sometime. Sometimes I feel like I can't hear anything but the crazy in my head. I have a video of Keri laughing at the kids a month before she went to Heaven. It's saved in about 100 places so I can't lose it. It's still on my phone too. Sometimes I will play it so I can hear her laugh. I didn't realize at the time how weak her voice and laugh were until I listened to it after she was gone, but golly I am so thankful I can still listen to it. I also have a voicemail from her from about 5 years ago when Cale first started saying Shiney. I can hear her in the background helping him say to call her back. It's too hard to hear sometimes, but is always a happy accident that makes me miss her so freaking big.
Finally, these 4 senses, bring about the sense of feeling. How lost I feel sometimes, how I sad I feel sometimes, how guilty I feel sometimes. There's no way to really truly explain how screwed up it feels. And when it finally gets to the point that is feels so crazy, you know what I do? I turn the shower on as hot as a human can possibly stand it (just like Keri used to do) and I stand under the shower until I am able to really feel again. That I can feel that I am still here, that I have a purpose other than grieving, that I have a job of sharing her legacy with her kids, that I deserve to be here and do good things. I stand there and let the water wash away the ice I have let build up, I let the water warm my body and mind back to normal.
I let the water hit my head so the only thing I can hear is my heart beat. I drown out the sounds of grief and find that I'm still here and that's ok. I taste the water running over my face and smell how clean and feel like I'm being washed anew again. After I let the hot, hot water wash away the hurt and sadness, then I can see again. I can see that it's part of life, whether we like it or not, whether we understand it or not.
I know it may be weird, but I also know it's ok.
Gosh I miss her so.
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
Thursday, January 14, 2016
My brain hurts my heart
My brain and my heart are in a war. My brain is really confused lately. Because of this confusion, it keeps making my heart sad.
I know that Keri has been gone for one year, one month, and five days. I know that I can't call her, text her, hang out with her, talk to her, hear her voice answer me back.... I know that.
But my brain is so confused!
Around the year mark of the day we lost Keri, I started having dreams that were so incredibly ridiculous, but so real to me that I started waking up really believing that Keri was still alive. In one particular dream, we were around 10 years old at our dad's house and everything happening was so crazy and nothing that would ever really happen. In the dream, I was talking with Keri and I told her that I knew this wasn't real because she's not really here any more. And in this dream, she kept arguing with me that she was really there, that she is still here, and that she hadn't gone away.
Metaphorically, I do know that she is still here with us all, but my dream had me so convinced that she was physically still here. I laid in bed for probably 10 minutes rethinking my dream, the feelings that it caused, and seriously having to think about what the truth was.
I got up, went about my day like normal, and then by late afternoon had a list of things I was going to talk to Keri about when I called her later that evening. It wasn't until the moment I was going over the list in my head that I really stopped and went through the past year in my head. Then the bricks started falling on top of me again. When you forget, but then you remember, you start mourning and grieving all over again.
That was a good day that turned into a really bad day.
The thing is.....it hasn't stopped happening. She's sooooooo real in my heart (which I'm happy about) that my brain has started convincing itself that she's here. And then I start looking at pictures and thinking about how long it's been since I took a picture with her...and then I start thinking about how much I am carrying around inside my chest that I want to tell her from the past year...and then I start remembering the terrible, terrible night and day....and then I start remembering how much life has had to change this year....and then I'm so sad for me, and for my parents, and Daniel, but especially the kids.
The other day I realized that I hadn't thought about her being gone all day (because I had in my mind that she was still here). It was already dark out when I happened to see a picture of her on my Timehop. I was happy and devastated all at once in the same moment. Seeing her beautiful, smiling face, thinking about how we had no idea what was going to happen in the years to come, remembering that fun memory that was made....
It's crazy how that can happen to feel so many things that contradict each other all at the same time.
I'm so thankful that I feel her so much. It really does bring me comfort. It's the heartache from remembering that she really is gone that is so hard. Is this some weird kind of part of grief? I don't understand.
I'm so confused and mixed up that I don't even know how to really end this blog tonight, soooo I guess I'll say.....Hug your loved ones, call them, spend time with them, say everything you want to say to them because you never know when your brain might start confusing your heart one day when your loved ones are chilling with Keri in Heaven.
I know that Keri has been gone for one year, one month, and five days. I know that I can't call her, text her, hang out with her, talk to her, hear her voice answer me back.... I know that.
But my brain is so confused!
Around the year mark of the day we lost Keri, I started having dreams that were so incredibly ridiculous, but so real to me that I started waking up really believing that Keri was still alive. In one particular dream, we were around 10 years old at our dad's house and everything happening was so crazy and nothing that would ever really happen. In the dream, I was talking with Keri and I told her that I knew this wasn't real because she's not really here any more. And in this dream, she kept arguing with me that she was really there, that she is still here, and that she hadn't gone away.
Metaphorically, I do know that she is still here with us all, but my dream had me so convinced that she was physically still here. I laid in bed for probably 10 minutes rethinking my dream, the feelings that it caused, and seriously having to think about what the truth was.
I got up, went about my day like normal, and then by late afternoon had a list of things I was going to talk to Keri about when I called her later that evening. It wasn't until the moment I was going over the list in my head that I really stopped and went through the past year in my head. Then the bricks started falling on top of me again. When you forget, but then you remember, you start mourning and grieving all over again.
That was a good day that turned into a really bad day.
The thing is.....it hasn't stopped happening. She's sooooooo real in my heart (which I'm happy about) that my brain has started convincing itself that she's here. And then I start looking at pictures and thinking about how long it's been since I took a picture with her...and then I start thinking about how much I am carrying around inside my chest that I want to tell her from the past year...and then I start remembering the terrible, terrible night and day....and then I start remembering how much life has had to change this year....and then I'm so sad for me, and for my parents, and Daniel, but especially the kids.
The other day I realized that I hadn't thought about her being gone all day (because I had in my mind that she was still here). It was already dark out when I happened to see a picture of her on my Timehop. I was happy and devastated all at once in the same moment. Seeing her beautiful, smiling face, thinking about how we had no idea what was going to happen in the years to come, remembering that fun memory that was made....
It's crazy how that can happen to feel so many things that contradict each other all at the same time.
I'm so thankful that I feel her so much. It really does bring me comfort. It's the heartache from remembering that she really is gone that is so hard. Is this some weird kind of part of grief? I don't understand.
I'm so confused and mixed up that I don't even know how to really end this blog tonight, soooo I guess I'll say.....Hug your loved ones, call them, spend time with them, say everything you want to say to them because you never know when your brain might start confusing your heart one day when your loved ones are chilling with Keri in Heaven.
Sunday, January 10, 2016
I want to be more like her
I know I've said this a million times before, but my sister was the best person I've ever known. She was genuine and kind-hearted, courageous and level headed, smart and just a light to everyone around her.
I've always wanted to be more like her.
When we were little she was always braver than I. She'd climb the highest in a tree. She'd jump in the deepest end of the pool. She'd slide headfirst down the slide. She'd swing the highest in the swings. She was fearless. I was more reserved, and I wished I was more like her.
When we got older and our personalities started coming out, she was so calm and cool about everything. She jumped at the chance to do anything fun, facing fear head on and did anything that made her happy. She stood up for herself in a way that was respected by her peers. She, in my opinion, was the best all around person. The person that everyone should want to be more like. I was still more reserved. My personality was definitely not as calm and cool as hers, it was strong, too strong at times, which caused conflicts. I wanted to be more like her.
When she was sick, she was such an inspiration to see and hear her speak such wisdom despite the challenges she was facing. To see how many people stepped up to show their love and support of her was a true testament of how others see and think of her. I was so blessed to constantly hear people say such wonderful things about her and see them do such sweet things for her. I mean EVERYBODY that knew her or had heard of her said and did the nicest things. There aren't words to describe how much my admiration of her grew and still I wanted to be more like her.
The thing about it this time was that I really started trying to be more like her in the things that matter. My faith, how I react to things, how I speak to people, how I treat people, how I pray for people, how I share my heart with people, how I give to those less fortunate, how I work with others. I really started trying and changing myself. And you know what? I felt better. I felt like a better person. No where near the wonderful person Keri was, but definitely better than I had been.
When she went to Heaven, it was even more amazing to see all of the people who paid their respects, to hear the way she impacted others and the kind kind words people had to say about her. You know, I have NEVER heard one unkind word ever spoken about her. That is a true testament of the person Keri was here on Earth.
I want to be more like her.
And I have really really been continuing to try to be like her. My mantra is "What would Keri do?" "What would Keri say?" "How would Keri react?" "What would Keri think about this?"
I want to right my wrongs, learn from the mistakes of my past, be a better person, so that one day when I die people only have good things to say about me. So that if people were to talk to my mom, my dad, Cale, Reese, any of my family or any of my friends, that they would only have good things to say about me, like people do when they speak of Keri.
This past week some things happened that made me realize I still have a long way to go to be more like Keri. I still have a lot to prove that I'm not who I was, but I am a new person, a better person. My soul was crushed, absolutely crushed to the core when I realized that I haven't gotten to that point where people only see the good and speak good things about me. But it also made me realize that my heart knows I am better than I was. My heart and soul knows without a shadow of a doubt the truth about me and who I am trying to be. I am at peace because my God knows who I am and who I am trying to be and He knows the truth about every thing.
So, I'm going to keep working hard to be more like Keri because, honestly, we all should want to be more like her.
I've always wanted to be more like her.
When we were little she was always braver than I. She'd climb the highest in a tree. She'd jump in the deepest end of the pool. She'd slide headfirst down the slide. She'd swing the highest in the swings. She was fearless. I was more reserved, and I wished I was more like her.
When we got older and our personalities started coming out, she was so calm and cool about everything. She jumped at the chance to do anything fun, facing fear head on and did anything that made her happy. She stood up for herself in a way that was respected by her peers. She, in my opinion, was the best all around person. The person that everyone should want to be more like. I was still more reserved. My personality was definitely not as calm and cool as hers, it was strong, too strong at times, which caused conflicts. I wanted to be more like her.
When she was sick, she was such an inspiration to see and hear her speak such wisdom despite the challenges she was facing. To see how many people stepped up to show their love and support of her was a true testament of how others see and think of her. I was so blessed to constantly hear people say such wonderful things about her and see them do such sweet things for her. I mean EVERYBODY that knew her or had heard of her said and did the nicest things. There aren't words to describe how much my admiration of her grew and still I wanted to be more like her.
The thing about it this time was that I really started trying to be more like her in the things that matter. My faith, how I react to things, how I speak to people, how I treat people, how I pray for people, how I share my heart with people, how I give to those less fortunate, how I work with others. I really started trying and changing myself. And you know what? I felt better. I felt like a better person. No where near the wonderful person Keri was, but definitely better than I had been.
When she went to Heaven, it was even more amazing to see all of the people who paid their respects, to hear the way she impacted others and the kind kind words people had to say about her. You know, I have NEVER heard one unkind word ever spoken about her. That is a true testament of the person Keri was here on Earth.
I want to be more like her.
And I have really really been continuing to try to be like her. My mantra is "What would Keri do?" "What would Keri say?" "How would Keri react?" "What would Keri think about this?"
I want to right my wrongs, learn from the mistakes of my past, be a better person, so that one day when I die people only have good things to say about me. So that if people were to talk to my mom, my dad, Cale, Reese, any of my family or any of my friends, that they would only have good things to say about me, like people do when they speak of Keri.
This past week some things happened that made me realize I still have a long way to go to be more like Keri. I still have a lot to prove that I'm not who I was, but I am a new person, a better person. My soul was crushed, absolutely crushed to the core when I realized that I haven't gotten to that point where people only see the good and speak good things about me. But it also made me realize that my heart knows I am better than I was. My heart and soul knows without a shadow of a doubt the truth about me and who I am trying to be. I am at peace because my God knows who I am and who I am trying to be and He knows the truth about every thing.
So, I'm going to keep working hard to be more like Keri because, honestly, we all should want to be more like her.
Me and Keri volunteering at Vanderbilt Children's Hospital 2007
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