I saw a shooting star tonight.
I've been sitting on my deck at night, sitting back and looking at the stars. Thinking....
Thinking about Keri and how I wonder if she's just on the other side of the sky looking at all of us. Thinking about how long mourning and grief last. Thinking about why I am having such a hard time praying with an open heart again. Thinking about that scene from "The Lion King" when Mufasa explains to Simba that stars are our ancestors who've gone before us and wondering how true it is. Thinking about how much I just need to talk with her, hear her voice, feel her hug, hear her laugh.
And while I was thinking about all of this, I look up and see a shooting star. A green shooting star. Green-Keri's favorite color. Maybe she really is just on the other side of the sky looking.
I've been thinking about how here we are, eight months after the worst day. I look at everyone who's living and wonder sometimes how they go on with their life like this big thing never happened. How are they not consumed with the thoughts of memories and missed memories, the overwhelming flood of emotion that pours through the gaping hole in your heart. Seriously I think this and then wonder what is wrong with me?
I know and acknowledge that I'm not the same person I was before December 9th. I'll probably never be like I was before that day. I was so filled with hope that I never ever ever ever EVER thought for one second, even in those last months, weeks, days...hours......Ever ever ever gave up hope that things wouldn't work out how we wanted it to. But then it didn't, and as I lost my sister, I lost my hope filled heart. I went from being an idealist to a realist.
I've been thinking something is majorly wrong with me. I go through the motions of life but it's not as fun.
Then I realize, while life goes on, as it should, grief and mourning doesn't stop after a certain day or time and that's ok. It's ok to still get sad, to get emotional, to want to be alone, to want to be surrounded by people, to want to talk, to not want to talk, to feel guilty, to feel lost, to feel weird, to feel like others think I'm being weird because honestly I am, to want to get away just to want to be back home.
So, really, please be patient with me and anyone else who is still grieving and mourning. Try to be understanding that our life has been altered in a way that can't be repaired. Don't run away from us, just give us a little space if we need it, but please be there for us. We do love you and appreciate you for it more than you know, even if we are being weird.
