What are your words?

As 2015 draws to a close, and a new year approaches, I've been thinking about a word or words to represent the upcoming year.

But to come up with a word or words to represent the upcoming year, I had to look back on what words I would use to sum up the past couple of years.

Here's what I came up with:
2009- excitement, anticipation....This is was the year Cale was born and I was so excited about all of the new memories that were made and becoming an aunt to the coolest boy in the word.
2010- growth, joy....all of Cale's firsts started this year and watching him grow was so fun
2011- independence....I bought my first house and learned to live on my own completely. I love it!
2012- completeness, worry.....This is the year Reese was born and we felt complete. This is also when Keri was diagnosed with breast cancer and I started to worry.
2013- courage, strength....watching Keri fight so hard gave me the courage and strength to support her the way she needed me to
2014-faith & hope....the two things that got us through the year and that we carried in our hearts until the end of Keri's journey
2015- sadness and mourning....you know why

So, reflecting on the past 7 years, it's been easy to come up with words that represented  each year because I've already lived those years.

But....but what if, instead of waiting for 2016 to end so I can figure out what my word or words would be, why not come up with the words and live them for the year? Could it guide my year?

So, here are my words for 2016....love and happiness

Love- this year, my goal is going to be to love myself as much as I love other people. I always put myself last and this year, I'm going to start putting myself first in a lot of areas. I'm going to fall in love with me, so that maybe, just maybe, someone else will fall in love with me too. People can't truly be loved if they don't love themselves right?

Happiness- I'm tired of being sad about so many things, so I'm going to be happy. I'm going to do things that make me happy, be around people who make me happy, and share things that make me happy with others. When I was watching a Hallmark movie tonight there was a line that said, "Happiness isn't a destination, it's the journey along the way." I couldn't agree more. I'm excited about the journey of 2016!

So here's to love and happiness for 2016!

What are your words?

A beautiful goodbye

My Sydni, my sweet Sydnibear, had been sick for several months. She had a tumor growing on her bottom that the vet had said was basically like breast cancer for a dog. I cried and cried that July afternoon when the vet likened my dog-ter's cancer to the same kind that took my sister. I prayed and prayed that God would take her on His time because I couldn't face another terrible, terrible 24 hours of anxious waiting and praying.

God gave me 5 more months with my Sydni from that vet visit. 5 months to reminisce, to live, to give Sydni the chance to do the things she always loved to do.

When December 9th got here, I told my mom that I was afraid that she would go soon. I just had a feeling that she knew I needed her here to get through the first year without Keri, but I could tell that things were starting to turn.

Sydni stayed with me 2 full weeks after getting through December 9th. Our day started out normally, nothing made me think it would be the last day. I had plans in Smyrna that day, and when I left I gave her a kiss bye, yelled "be good, see you in a little while."

When I got home several hours later, Daisy met me at the door (as usual). I could smell where Sydni had had an accident. I thought it was weird she didn't meet me at the door since she usually does, but I could hear her panting (as usual). So I followed the noise, and found her in the kitchen. When I saw her, I knew. My heart knew it was her time.

I called my dad. He could barely understand me, but he was so calm. He kept telling me that I had given her the best life and she had lived a great life for a dog and a long life and that's part of our lives is losing a pet. He was so sweet and calm and told me to stay with her and love on her and to just let him know.

Then I called my mom and told her. She said the same things. Sydni had lived a good life and I had been the best momma for her and to love on her.

So I did.

First I cleaned her up the best that I could. I readjusted her body to be more comfortable than the position I found her in. In doing this, I knew she couldn't feel anything from the head down. I had a kit that I'd been meaning to do with Sydni to get a paw print of her. So, I quickly set it up and got her paw print forever imprinted and added her name and the years that I had her on it.

11 1/2 years.....

The whole time I was cleaning her up, putting her in a more comfortable position, getting her paw print, I was kissing her face and nose, rubbing her head and ears and sides, telling her how much I loved her and reminiscing about our memories together. I kept laying in the floor with her, so we could look each other in the eyes.

Then I knew the time was so so close. I laid down in the floor. I kept kissing her face and nose, rubbing her head and ears and sides, telling her how much I loved her, telling her that I was right here with her and she wasn't alone. Telling her to give Keri a big hug and kiss when she saw her. I just kept saying the same thing over and over and over again.

It seemed like this was a long time, but in reality, it was just time standing still, allowing me to soak up those moments. I had oftened wondered what my last moment's with Sydni would be like. I had prayed that I would get to be with her, so she wasn't alone. Almost like a premonition, everything happened just as I had imagined it would, and I'm so thankful that I was there with her.

At 6:40, with one hand on her heart and the other hand rubbing her sweet, sweet face and kissing her nose and telling her I loved her so much, my Sydni took her last breath. It was a beautiful and terrible moment all rolled up in the biggest bowl of grief ever. My first dog that was all my own. My first baby was gone.

How can 11 1/2 years go by so fast! 1/3 of my life included her. The 1/3 of my life that was the most life changing part of my life.

The whole time everything was happening in the kitchen with Sydni, the biggest December storm of the century was happening outside. I could hear the tornado sirens going off the whole time, but it never dawned on me what it was.

The only thing I really paid attention to was the windchimes I keep in my house (gifts people gave me when Keri passed away). What's weird is the last hour of Sydni's life, the windchimes kept chiming.....even without wind blowing in the house. I think it was Keri letting us know she was with us.

The next day my dad came and pick us up. He told me he had the perfect spot picked out to bury Sydni.

Now the whole time that I have loved my Sydni, my dad has loved my Sydni too. Watching him move her to the truck was so tender. Knowing she was gone, he still treated her like she was here. So caring, so loving, so sweet.

At his house, we have a spot where we have always buried our animals that we lost: calves, chickens, ducks, kittens, Radar. I thought this would be where we laid Sydni to rest, but my dad found the perfect spot where the sun shines right on her, even deep in the woods.

I watched as my dad dug her spot out for an hour and half. Making it perfect, making it so that she would lay comfortably just as she always had when she was alive. I bawled and bawled, but my dad just kept talking about how he was so happy her last day at his place had been so fun to watch Sydni running like a puppy, swimming in the creek, chasing the other dogs like she was her old self.

Even through my tears, I realized my dad was just as sad as I was. He loved my Sydni. When the spot was finished, my dad so sweetly wrapped her up in her blanket and tenderly put her in the wheelbarrow to take her to her spot. He knew I couldn't talk. All I could do was sniffle and sniffle.

But I watched my dad carefully pick Sydni up for the last time to lay her in her spot. He made sure she was comfortable and then tucked her in with the blanket. So sweetly. He was so sweet as he covered her with rocks very softly as if he was laying feathers on top of her. When he started to cover her with dirt, it was like he was sprinkling her with glitter to make her shine again, not something dull that would never let me see her again. It was beautiful even though it was so incredibly sad.

It was beautiful to see the sun shining on her the whole time my dad respectfully, tenderly, sweetly laid her to rest talking about the same great memories I had talked with Sydni about the night before.

It was a beautiful goodbye to my dearest friend and confidant, my sweet baby girl, my Sydnibear, my Sydni.

A beautiful goodbye.....until we meet again